Photoshop/Jokes/GIF Thread

Discussion in 'Chelsea' started by District Line, Sep 27, 2012.

  1. Bullet tooth Tony

    Bullet tooth Tony Well-Known Member

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    A young family moved into a house next door to an empty plot. One day, a gang of building workers turned up to start building on the plot.

    The young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and started talking with the workers.

    She hung around and eventually the builders, all with hearts of gold, more or less adopted the little girl as a sort of project mascot. They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had tea and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important.

    They even gave the child her very own hard hat and gloves, which thrilled her immensely.

    At the end of the first week, the smiling builders presented her with a pay envelope - containing two pounds in 10p coins. The little girl took

    her 'pay' home to her mother who suggested that they take the money to the bank the next day to open a savings account.

    At the bank, the female cashier was tickled pink listening to the little girl telling her about her 'work' on the building site and the fact she had a 'pay packet'.

    'You must have worked very hard to earn all this', said the cashier.

    The little girl proudly replied, 'Yes, I worked every day with Steve and Wayne and Mike. We're building a big house.'

    'My goodness gracious,' said the cashier, 'And will you be working on the house again next week?'

    The child thought for a moment. Then she said seriously:

    'I think so. Provided those ****ers at Jewsons deliver the ****ing bricks on time.'
     
    #341
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  2. Bullet tooth Tony

    Bullet tooth Tony Well-Known Member

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    A hungry bloke
    walks into a seedy cafe in Glasgow ......

    He sits at the counter and
    notices a Jock with his arms folded staring
    blankly at a bowl of
    chilli.

    After fifteen minutes of just sitting there staring at it, the
    hungry bloke bravely asks,

    "If you aren't going to eat that, mind if I
    do?"

    The old Jock slowly turns his head toward the young bloke and
    says, "Nah, ye can gae ahead."

    Eagerly, the young bloke reaches
    over and slides the bowl over to his place
    and starts spooning it in with delight.

    He gets nearly down to the bottom and notices a dead mouse in
    the chilli.

    The sight was shocking and he immediately pukes up the chilli
    back into the bowl.

    The old Jock says:- "Aye, that's as far as I got
    too".
     
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  3. Bullet tooth Tony

    Bullet tooth Tony Well-Known Member

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    please log in to view this image
     
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  4. Bullet tooth Tony

    Bullet tooth Tony Well-Known Member

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  5. Bullet tooth Tony

    Bullet tooth Tony Well-Known Member

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    It Snowed Last Night
    8:00 am: I made a snowman.
    8:10 - A feminist passed by and asked me why I didn't make a snow woman.
    8:15 - So, I made a snow woman.
    8:17 - My feminist neighbour complained about the snow woman's voluptuous chest saying it objectified snow women everywhere.
    8:20 - The gay couple living nearby threw a hissy fit and moaned it could have been two snow men instead.
    8:22 - The transgender man/women...person asked why I didn't just make one snow person with detachable parts.
    8:25 - The vegans at the end of the lane complained about the carrot nose, as veggies are food and not to decorate snow figures with.
    8:28 - I was being called a racist because the snow couple is white.
    8:31 - The middle eastern gent across the road demanded the snow woman be covered up.
    8:40 - The Police arrived saying someone had been offended.
    8:42 - The feminist neighbour complained again that the broomstick of the snow woman needed to be removed because it depicted women in a domestic role.
    8:43 - The council equality officer arrived and threatened me with eviction.
    8:45 - TV news crews from BBC, ITV, CNN and SKY showed up. I was asked if I know the difference between snowmen and snow-women?
    I replied "Snowballs" and am now called a sexist.
    9:00 - I was on the News as a suspected terrorist, racist, homophobe sensibility offender, bent on stirring up trouble during difficult weather.
    9:10 - I was asked if I have any accomplices. My children were taken by social services.
    9:29 - Far left protesters offended by everything marched down the street demanding for me to be arrested.
    By Noon it had all melted
    Moral:
    There is no moral to this story.
    It is exactly what we have become.....all caused by Snowflakes.
    God help us!
     
    #345
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