Some Fun For a Friday Afternoon

You are ****ing useless

 

We will not be hearing from SH on this thread for the next week. Any other threads he tries to disrupt will get the same treatment.

 

Worried how I’ll cope.

 

Oh FFS!

 

A man walks into a library and asks the librarian for books about paranoia. She whispers, "They're right behind you!"

A man walks into a library and orders a hamburger. The librarian says, "This is a library." The man apologizes and whispers, "I'd like a hamburger, please."

If you ever get cold, stand in the corner of a room for a while. They’re usually 90 degrees.

My Xmas cracker collection.

 

These are apparently the best Christmas cracker jokes of 2019:

Why does Donald Trump have his Christmas dinner on a plastic plate?
He doesn’t get on with china.

Why is Parliament like ancient Bethlehem?
It takes a miracle to find three wise men there.

Christmas dinner is a lot like Brexit. Half the family were told they needed to make room for Turkey, so opted to leave Brussels.

Why has Santa been banned from sooty chimneys?
Carbon footprints.

What is Coleen Rooney’s favourite game to play over the festive period?
Guess Who.

Why doesn’t Jeremy Corbyn ever visit Santa?
Because he struggles in the poles.

Why is Greta Thunberg boycotting parsnips and carrots at Christmas?
Because she’s a swede dish campaigner.

What’s the difference between Rudolph’s nose and David Cameron’s autobiography?
Only one will be red at Christmas.

What is Olivia Colman’s favourite part of a turkey?
The Crown.

I think ofh’s were better.

 

Why did the man fall down an unexpected hole in the ground?
Because he didn't see that well.

Why do phlebotomists go through so many red wax crayons?
Because they have to draw blood all day.

 

"I haven't slept for ten days, because that would be too long."
Mitch Hedberg

"On the other hand, you have different fingers."
Steven Wright

 

Express Exclusive: Barnsley Brexiteer snubs Brussels Bureaucrats


Joe Smith of Barnsley stunned his neighbours last week when he announced he planned a round the world bike ride to raise funds for the new all-British GPS system. The idea came to Joe when he heard the EU had banned Brexit Britain from using its Galileo GPS system. As Joe explains: "I thought 'stuff the EU. I'm going to ride my bike round the world without using their chuffing GPS'."

Joe's preparation for the epic journey has been meticulous. "I'd just finshed a packet of fags so me and the wife made a list on the back of it. Then we went down to Aldi and bought it all". Joe's route planning shows the same attention to detail. "On day one I'm going to ride to Hull. I went there last year on the M62, so I thought I'd take the same route. The next day I'm taking the ferry to Stavangar, and then I'll play it by ear. I thought I'd follow road signs for Moscow".

In a further snub which will send shock waves across the EU, Joe is planning on avoiding all EU countries. He will be the first round-the-world cyclist to follow the little-used Norway route. On his way back he plans to cross from North Africa to Switzerland.

Hundreds of companies are backing Joe's brave attempt, in a MASSIVE boost to Brexit Britain. "I've written to ferry companies and hotel groups asking for sponsorship and free accomodation. They haven't got back to me yet, but I'm sure they will."


Joe estimates the epic journey will take him three weeks, and has planned his fuelling with military precision. "Wherever I've been to in Yorkshire, I've always been able to find a chippy. Anyway, if I can't find a chippy, there's bound to be an Indian".

So far Joe has raised £35.20 in sponsorship, mostly from his neighbours. "We're all very keen to see him leave and will be cheering him off when he sets off next week" said neighbour Sue Jones.

Apologies if this isn't a joke, but I am sure it has to be.

 

One can only hope... but then there is the flat earther who crashed his rocket trying to prove that the world is flat over the weekend...

 

*steam-powered rocket

 

took me a second to get this

 

A farmer Charentais goes to one of his neighbours and knocks on the door. A kid opens the door for him
" Is your dad there? "
"No sir, it's the 27th and he's off to the market"
- Is your mother here? "
" No sir she's with my dad in Rouillac...
" And is your brother here?"
" No sir, he went to the vines with the tractor
The farmer is standing there for a few minutes maugréant between his teeth
" If it's to borrow something sir I know where the tools are, or can I send a message if it helps you? "...

"Well said the farmer," I really wanted to talk to your dad about the fact that your big brother got my daughter Suzie pregnant. The boy thinks for a moment and says:
" You're actually going to have to speak with my dad. I know he takes 500 euros for the bull and 150 euros for the goat... But for my brother, I don't know the price!!!..

 

ofh’s one above reminds me of this (best performed in Glasgow dialect):

A policeman knocks on someone’s front door. Shortly the door is opened by a 5 year-old boy. He’s wearing a plush, purple smoking jacket, a lit cigar in one hand, a large crystal glass of scotch in the other. An unseen woman can be heard giggling from some room inside.
The officer gently asks:
“Hello, sonny. Is your mammy in?”
The boys takes a puff of his cigar, a swig of the scotch, and replies:
“Does it fùcking look like it?”

 

A priest, a rabbit and a minister walk into a bar.

The rabbit says, "I think I may be a typo!"

 

In descending order, the 11 times throughout history where the "F" word has been considered acceptable for use.

11."What the f**k do you mean, we’re sinking?"~ Capt. E. J. Smith of RMS Titanic, 1912.

10."What the f**k that?"~ Mayor Of Hiroshima , 1945

9." Where did all those f*****g indians come from?"~ George Custer, 1877

8 . "Any f*****g idiot could understand that."~ Albert Einstein, 1938.

7."It does so f*****g look like her!"~ Picasso, 1926

6."How the f**k did you work that out?"~ Pythagoras, 490 BC.

5."You want WHAT on the f*****g ceiling?"~ Michelangelo, 1566.

4."Where the f**k are we?"~ Amelia Earhart, 1937

3 ."Scattered f*****g showers, my arse!"~ Noah, 4314 BC

2."Aw, come on Monica. Who the f**k is going to find out?"~ Bill Clinton, 1998

1."There is no f*****g way Trump will ever become President"~ Hillary Clinton, 2016

 

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