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The barnsley joke page

Discussion in 'Barnsley' started by kiwiqpr, Mar 25, 2014.

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  1. kiwiqpr

    kiwiqpr Barnsie Mod

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    #6221
    kiwiqpr, Jun 14, 2019
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  2. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    Can't open this !!
     
    #6222
    Wooperts_duck, Jun 14, 2019
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  3. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    #6223
    Wooperts_duck, Jun 14, 2019
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  4. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    #6224
    Wooperts_duck, Jun 14, 2019
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  5. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    • The Australian gold coast surf competition has just been won in controversial circumstances by a little Japanese man on a wardrobe.
     
    #6225
    Wooperts_duck, Jun 14, 2019
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  6. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    Two guys in their mid-twenties are sitting at a bar having a beer. One of the guys says to his buddy, “Man, you really look tired.”

    His buddy says, “Dude, I'm exhausted. My girlfriend wants sex all the time, three, four, even six times a night, every night. She wakes me up at all hours. I just don't know what to do.”

    A fellow about 70, sitting a couple of stools down overheard the conversation.

    He looked over at the two young men and with the wisdom of years says... “Marry her. That'll put a stop to that nonsense! "
     
    #6226
    Wooperts_duck, Jun 14, 2019
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  7. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    #6227
    Wooperts_duck, Jun 15, 2019
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  8. mustyfrog

    mustyfrog Well-Known Member

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    After a Beer Festival in London... all the brewery presidents decided to go out for a beer.
    Corona's president sits down and says... "Señor... I would like the world's best beer... a Corona."
    The bartender takes a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him. Then Budweiser's president says... "I'd like the best beer in the world... give me 'The King Of Beers'...a Budweiser."
    The bartender gives him one...
    Coors' president says... "I'd like the best beer in the world... the only one made with Rocky Mountain spring water... give me a Coors." ...he gets it....
    The guy from Guinness sits down and says... "Give me a Coke".
    The other brewery presidents look over at him and ask... "Why aren't you drinking a Guinness?" ...and the Guinness president replies... "Well... if you guys aren't drinking beer... neither will I"
     
    #6228
    Last edited: Jun 15, 2019
    mustyfrog, Jun 15, 2019
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  9. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    Jeremy Corbyn goes to the bank...
    Jeremy: "Could you please cash this cheque for me?"
    Cashier: "It would be my pleasure Sir, but could you please show me some identification?"
    Corbyn: "I did not bring my ID with me as I didn't think there was any need to. I'm Jeremy Corbyn, Leader of the Labour Party and the Opposition!!"
    Cashier: "Yes, I know who you are Sir, but with all the bank regulations, monitoring, impostors and forgers etc., I must insist on seeing some identification".
    Corbyn "Just ask any of the customers here at the bank who I am and they will tell you. Everybody knows who I am!"
    Cashier: "I'm sorry Sir, but these are the bank rules and I must follow them".
    Corbyn: "I'm urging you, please cash this cheque for me".
    Cashier: "Look Sir, this is what we can do. One day Colin Montgomerie came into the bank without any ID.
    To prove he was Colin Montgomerie he pulled out his putter and putted a ball along the floor and into a small cup.
    With that sort of skill we knew it was Colin Montgomerie and we cashed his cheque. On another occasion, Andy Murray came in without any ID.
    He pulled out his tennis racquet and lobbed a tennis ball straight into my teacup with such a spectacular shot that we all knew it was Andy Murray.
    Corbyn starts to think and think and finally says, "To be honest, there is nothing that comes into my mind.
    In fact I can't think of a single thing that I'm any good at."
    Cashier: "Will that be large or small notes you require Mr Corbyn?
     
    #6229
    Wooperts_duck, Jun 15, 2019
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  10. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    #6230
    Wooperts_duck, Jun 15, 2019
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  11. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    #6231
    Wooperts_duck, Jun 15, 2019
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  12. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    Currently bird watching with Sinead O'Connor

    So far its been seven owls and fifteen jays.....
     
    #6232
    Wooperts_duck, Jun 16, 2019
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  13. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    #6233
    Wooperts_duck, Jun 16, 2019
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  14. kiwiqpr

    kiwiqpr Barnsie Mod

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    An Irish man is stumbling through the woods, totally drunk, when he comes upon a preacher baptizing people in the river.
    He proceeds into the water, subsequently bumping into the preacher.
    The preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of alcohol, whereupon, he asks the drunk, "Are you ready to find Jesus?"
    The drunk shouts, "Yes, I am."
    So the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the water.
    He pulls him back and asks, "Brother, have you found Jesus?"
    The drunk replies,"No, I haven't found Jesus!"
    The preacher, shocked at the answer,dunks him again but for a little longer.
    He again pulls him out of the water and asks, "Have you found Jesus, brother?"
    The drunk answers,"No, I haven't found Jesus!"
    By this time, the preacher is at his wits end and dunks the drunk again --
    but this time holds him down for about 30 seconds, and when he begins kicking his arms and legs about, he pulls him up.
    The preacher again asks the drunk, "For the love of God, have you found Jesus?"
    The drunk staggers upright, wipes his eyes, coughs up a bit of water, catches his breath, and says to the preacher,
    "Are you sure this is where he fell in?"
     
    #6234
    kiwiqpr, Jun 17, 2019
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  15. kiwiqpr

    kiwiqpr Barnsie Mod

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    sometimes the ones that dont show on the phone show on the computer and vice versa
    sometimes
     
    #6235
    kiwiqpr, Jun 17, 2019
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  16. kiwiqpr

    kiwiqpr Barnsie Mod

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    #6236
    kiwiqpr, Jun 17, 2019
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  17. kiwiqpr

    kiwiqpr Barnsie Mod

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    #6237
    kiwiqpr, Jun 17, 2019
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  18. kiwiqpr

    kiwiqpr Barnsie Mod

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    I've just read that 1 in every 3 people cheat in their relationships ... I'm wondering. . . Is it my wife or my girlfriend that's cheating
     
    #6238
    kiwiqpr, Jun 17, 2019
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  19. kiwiqpr

    kiwiqpr Barnsie Mod

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    #6239
    kiwiqpr, Jun 18, 2019
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  20. kiwiqpr

    kiwiqpr Barnsie Mod

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    Scousers Are Not Stupid' convention....
    53,000 Scousers meet in Anfield for a 'Scousers Are Not Stupid' convention.
    Steven Gerrard addresses the crowd.. 'We are all here today to prove to the world that Scousers are not stupid. Can I have a volunteer please?'
    Wayne Rooney gingerly works his way through the crowd and steps up to the stage.
    Gerrard asks him 'What is 15 plus 15?'
    After 15 or 20 seconds Rooney says, ' Forty!'
    Obviously everyone is a little disappointed. Then the Scousers start chanting 'Give him another chance! Give him another chance!'
    Gerrard says, 'Well since we have a capacity crowd, world-wide press and global broadcast media here, I think we can give him another chance.'
    So he asks, 'What is 5 plus 5?'
    After nearly 30 seconds he eventually says, ' Twelve?'
    Gerrard looks down and just lets out a dejected sigh.
    Everyone is disheartened and Rooney starts crying.
    But then the 53,000 Scousers begin to yell and wave their hands shouting, 'Give him another chance! Give him another chance!'
    Gerrard, unsure whether he is now doing more harm than good eventually says, 'OK then, what is 2 plus 2?'
    Silence hangs over the stadium.
    Rooney closes his eyes, and after a whole minute eventually says, 'Four?'
    Pandemonium breaks out throughout the stadium as the Scouse crowd stand to a man, wave their arms, stomp their feet and scream,
    'Give him another chance! Give him another chance!
     
    #6240
    kiwiqpr, Jun 18, 2019
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: this kiwi dont eat worms, kiwi never sleeps, kiwi was here, LIKE KIWI, kiwis watching you lot, kiwi farts a lot

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