The Joke Thread: Feel free to add yours, doesn't have to be football related

During a row with my wife tonight I slapped her but after we had the most wonderful sex, but I think I'll have to wait awhile for tea as she's still unconscious !!!

 

The Smiths were unable to conceive children
And decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive,
Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said,
'Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon.'
Half an hour later, just by chance,
A door-to-door baby photographer
Happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale.
'Good morning, Ma'am', he said, 'I've come to...'
Oh, no need to explain,' Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed,
'I've been expecting you.'
'Have you really?' said the photographer. 'Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my specialty?'
'Well that's what my husband and I had hoped.
Please come in and have a seat.
After a moment she asked, blushing,
'Well, where do we start?'
'Leave everything to me.
I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch,
And perhaps a couple on the bed.
And sometimes the living room floor is fun.
You can really spread out there.'
'Bathtub, living room floor?
No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!'
'Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee
A good one every time.
But if we try several different positions
And I shoot from six or seven angles,
I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results.'
'My, that's a lot!', gasped Mrs. Smith.
'Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time.
I'd love to be In and out in five minutes,
But I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that.'
'Don't I know it,' said Mrs. Smith quietly.
The photographer opened his briefcase
And pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures.
'This was done on the top of a bus,' he said.
'Oh, my God!' Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.
'And these twins turned out exceptionally well -
Considering their mother was so difficult to work with.'
'She was difficult?' asked Mrs. Smith.
'Yes, I'm afraid so.
I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep
To get a good look.'
'Four and five deep?' said Mrs. Smith,
Her eyes wide with amazement.
'Yes', the photographer replied.
'And for more than three hours, too.
The mother was constantly squealing and yelling -
I could hardly concentrate,
And when darkness approached I had to rush my shots.
Finally, when the squirrels began to nibble on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in.'
Mrs. Smith leaned forward.
'You mean they actually chewed on your,
Uh.... Equipment?'
'It's true, Ma'am, yes..
Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod
And we can get to work right away.'
'Tripod?'
'Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big to be held in the hand very long.'
Mrs. Smith fainted

 

Wives!

An old man and woman were married for many years, even though they hated each other. When they had a confrontation, screaming and yelling could be heard deep into the night.

The old man would shout, 'When I die, I will dig my way up and out of the grave, and come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!'

Neighbours feared him. They believed he practiced black magic, because of the many strange occurrences that took place in their neighbourhood.

The old man liked the fact that he was feared.

To everyone's relief, he died of a heart attack when he was 98.

His wife had a closed casket at the wake.

After the burial, she went straight to the local bar and began to party, as if there was no tomorrow. Her neighbours, concerned for her safety, asked, 'Aren't you afraid that he may indeed be able to dig his way up and out of the grave, and come back to haunt you for the rest of your life?'

The wife put down her drink and said, 'Let him dig. I had him buried upside down.'

Women think of everything!!!

 

Guy goes into a sex-shop to have a chat with his friend the proprietor. The owner asks hi if he would look after the shop for an hour. He's apprehensive because he's never worked in a shop befor but the owner reassures him that there probably wont be any customers and even if there are nothing is priced so just weigh up the punter and get the best sale he can. On his return the owner asked how he got on..."There were three customers...the first girl wanted a standard dildo and I charged her £10" the owner was impressed " I normally knock them out for £7.50" he replied.

Growing in confidence the guy continues..."Then a black girl came in and wanted a black dildo, I found one and charged her £20"...."Brilliant said the owner I normally only charge a tenner"

"Then a Scots lassie came in with an unusual request..a tartan dildo with a white top!"..

."Oh dear...we dont specialise, like that...wat did you do"

"I flogged your vaccuum flask of for £50!"


(sorry if you've heard it before...Milton)

 

Apologies for these and for any already on here .........

The Grim Reaper came for me last night, and I beat him off with a vacuum cleaner.
Talk about Dyson with death.

2.
My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30 this morning, can you
believe that? 2:30am? Luckily for him I was still up playing my Bagpipes.

>3.
Paddy says, "Mick, I'm thinking of buying a Labrador .
"Really," says Mick "have you seen how many of their owners go
blind"

>4.
I saw a poor old lady fall over today on the ice!!
> At least I presume she was poor - she only had £1.20 in her purse.

>5.
My girlfriend thinks that I'm a stalker. Well, she's not exactly
my girlfriend yet.

>6.
Woke up last night to find the ghost of Gloria Gaynor standing at
the foot of my bed.
> At first I was afraid then I was petrified.
>
>7.
The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for
the worst.
> So I have been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back.
>
>8.
A mate of mine admitted to being addicted to brake fluid.
> When I quizzed him on it he reckoned he could stop any time.
>
>9.
I went to the cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on a grave.
> As I was standing there I noticed 4 grave diggers walking about with a
coffin 3 hours later and they're still walking about with it.
> I thought to myself, "These guys have lost the plot!"
>
>10.
My daughter asked me for a pet spider for her birthday, so I went
to our local pet shop and they were £70.
> "Blow this," I thought, "I can get one cheaper off the web."

>11.
Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarves are not happy.
>
>12.
I was at a cash machine yesterday when a little old lady asked if
I could check her balance, so I pushed her over.
>
>13.
I start a new job in Seoul next week. I thought it was
a good Korea move.
>
>14.
I was driving this morning when I saw an RAC van parked on the
side of the road.
> The driver was sobbing uncontrollably and looked very miserable.
> I thought to myself, "That guy's heading for a breakdown

 

A little old lady went to the grocery store to buy cat food. She
picked up four cans and took them to the check out counter.

The girl at the cash register said, "I'm sorry, but we cannot sell
you cat food without proof that you have a cat. A lot of old people
buy cat food to eat, and the management wants proof that you are
buying the cat food for your cat."

The little old lady went home, picked up her cat and brought it back
to the store. They sold her the cat food. The next day, she tried to
buy two cans of dog food. Again the cashier said "I'm sorry, but we
cannot sell you dog food without proof that you have a dog. A lot of
old people buy dog food to eat, but the management wants proof that
you are buying the dog food for your dog."

So she went home and brought in her dog. She then was able to buy the
dog food.

The next day she brought in a box with a hole in the lid. The little
old lady asked the cashier to stick her finger in the hole. The
cashier said, "No, you might have a snake in there."

The little old lady assured her that there was nothing in the box
that would harm her. So the cashier put her finger into the box and
quickly pulled it out. She said to the little old lady, "That smells like
s--t."
The little old lady said, "It is. I want to buy three rolls of toilet
paper."

Don't mess with old people.

 

I just noticed your place of residents on your logo Mouldy. Slough????????? I went there once for a day out with the family when I lived in Married Quarters at RAF Uxbridge and was working at Northwood. Well apart from a Mars bar factory, and I happen to like Mars bars, it didn't seem to have much going for it if I'm honest. It was some years ago to be fair. Has it changed?

 

I live there for a start!

Its got the one of the biggest trading sites in the south east so there seems to be no end of jobs but its not as good as it used to be for work. Close to London, Windsor and lots of green open areas. It has great road and rail links to god's county, but a down side is you have to go quite close to the pimple on the ar*e of humanity that is exeter!

If you ever meet anyone who is quite posh and comes from windsor or ascot and you want to really pi*s them off, just remind them that they have a slough telephone number and postcode. Every few years there is something in the local press about some snooty nob trying to get a new phone and post code. One of the biggest efforts was a few years ago when some toff tried and his argument was that it was unbecoming of the queen to have slough codes!

 

Me meet anyone who is posh Mouldy??? I am a member of not606 so that must show you the sort of people I mingle with..............

I just remember Slough being quite an ugly sort of Town and not that clean then. As I said I only ever went once and didn't go back because it wasn't much of a day out in town even for shopping. Mind you some of the other places around Uxbridge were not that hot either.

 

It's still pretty ugly, come to think of it so is my brother (he is a chelsea fan).

 

Whilst in my confessional is there anything else you want to get off your chest Mouldy? Mind you the number of hail mary's for that last one might take you a while already.

 

What for mentioning the c word?

I don't do the hail thing I'm not catholic.
My pennace is the wife!

 

Enough said Mouldy, enough said. Just don't swear again. Mind you Man U got dumped tonight so perhaps you and I should start believing there is a god.

 

On holiday recently in Spain I saw a sign that said ‘English speaking Doctor’ - I thought, 'What a great idea, why ever don’t we have them in our country?'

 

Liked that one Gat.

 

Doctors, Nurses, Health Visitors, Teachers, Shop staff, Call Centres, Restaurants, Charity Shops, Street Canvassers, Supermarkets, Bus Drivers, Tube Staff, Toilet Attendants, Job Centres, Airports and on Foriegn Holidays............where the hell are the English.Scots.Welsh and Irish ?.........Oh yea........there the ones Queuing up in the Job Centres.

 

There is a survey out that states that 25% of all women in this country are on medication.

The scarey thought to all this is?


That the other 75% are on no medication at all!!!!

 

A man suffered a serious heart attack while shopping in a store. The store clerks called 911 when they saw him collapse to the floor. The paramedics rushed the man to the nearest hospital where he had emergency open heart bypass surgery.

He awakened from the surgery to find himself in the care of nuns at the Catholic Hospital he was taken to.

A nun was seated next to his bed holding a clip board loaded with several forms and a pen.

She asked him how he was going to pay for his treatment. "Do you have health insurance?" she asked.

He replied in a raspy voice, "No health insurance."

The nun asked, "Do you have money in the bank?"

He replied, "No money in the bank."

"Do you have a relative who could help you with the payments?" asked the irritated nun.

He said, "I only have a spinster sister, and she is a nun."

The nun became agitated and announced loudly, "Nuns are not spinsters! Nuns are married to God."

The patient replied, "Perfect. Send the bill to my brother-in-law."

 

Paddy rings his new girlfriend's door bell, with a big bunch of flowers. She opens the door, sees the flowers, and drags him in. She lies back on the couch, pulls her skirt up, rips her knickers off and says 'This is for the flowers!'

'Don't be silly,' says Paddy, 'You must have a vase somewhere!

 

A really ugly woman walks into a shop with 2 children, the shopkeeper asks if they are twins , the woman replies in a indignant voice "no hes 8 and she is 9, why do you ask?" "well" the shopkeeper says after a pause " i really cant imagine anyone f*****g you twice!.
Essex girl is in a crash, she goes up to a para-medic and say's i think ive got concussion, the para-medic say's how many fingers have i got up? Essex girl screams "bloody hell , my fannies buggered as welll