Off Topic The offical: Jokes THREAD

Pilot left his microphone on.
After take off pilot accidentally left his microphone on and said to his Co pilot
' Now I just want a cup of coffee and a blowjob'.
An air hostess ran to tell him to switch off his microphone.
When someone from the passengers shouted 'He asked for a cup of coffee too'.

 

10 Engineering professors board a plane

Once they are inside and the plane is a about to take off, the air hostess comes out and tells everyone that the plane has been made by the students of those teachers. Immediately 9 of the professors get up and run away from the plane while one of them stays sit, calmly reading a book.

One of the students who was on the plane to see how their plane worked, approached the professor, thanking him for trusting them.

To which he replies "if my students really made this plane I'm 100% confident this won't even take off"

 

A man is on a long haul flight, late at night.
The air hostess notices he is the only one awake and approaches him.

She offers a glass of whiskey, and advises that each drink come with a small bowl of cashews, to which he accepts.

He takes a sip of his drink, then all of a sudden hears a voice say to him;
"You smell beautiful today".

Confused, the man looks around, but cannot tell where the voice came from.

Only a few seconds later, the voice says to him;
"You look amazing at the moment".

Even more confused, the man seeks out the voice. The man next to him is asleep, the seats in front and behind him are empty.

Brushing it off, the man carries on with his drink.

Yet again, the voice pipes up;
"I love your hairstyle, it really suits you".

The man, now suitably confused and concerned, beckons over the air hostess, and explains to her what the voice keeps doing.

"Don't worry sir" she remarks, "it's just the complimentary nuts".

 

A businessman was interviewing applicants for the position of divisional manager. He devised a simple test to select the most suitable person for the job. He asked each applicant the question, "What is two and two?" The first interviewee was a journalist. His answer was "Twenty-two." The second was a social worker. She said, "I don't know the answer but I'm glad we had time to discuss this important question." The third applicant was an engineer. He pulled out a slide rule and showed the answer to be between 3.999 and 4.001. The next person was a lawyer. He stated that in the case of Jenkins v. Commr of Stamp Duties (Qld), two and two was proven to be four. The last applicant was an accountant. The business man asked him, "How much is two and two?" The accountant got up from his chair, went over to the door and closed it, then came back and sat down. He leaned across the desk and said in a low voice, "How much do you want it to be?" He got the job.

 

Late one
night, a burglar broke into a
house he thought was empty. He tiptoed
through the living room but
suddenly he froze in his tracks when he heard a
loud voice say,
"Jesus is watching you!" Silence returned to the
house, so the burglar
crept forward again. "Jesus is watching you," the
voice boomed
again. The burglar stopped dead again. He was frightened.
Frantically, he
looked all around. In a dark corner, he spotted a bird
cage and in
the cage was a parrot. He asked the parrot: "Was that you
who said
Jesus is watching me?"
"Yes," said the parrot.
The burglar
breathed a sigh of relief and asked the parrot: "What's
your
name?"
"Clarence," said the bird.
"That's a dumb name for a parrot,"
sneered the burglar. "What idiot
named you Clarence?"
The parrot said,
"The same idiot who named the Rottweiller
Jesus."

 

An English
prisoner of war was held by
the Germans. The Englishman was shot all over
the place, and okay
until one day when the German told him,
"Englander,your arm is
infected with gangrene vee must cut it off."

The English prisoner
said, "Well, okay, but could you drop it over
England when you go
bombing?"

The German replied, "Ya, that vill not be a problem."


A few weeks later the German tells the Englishman that they have to
cut
his other arm off. The Englishman says, "Well, could drop it
over
England like you did last time?"

"Ya, that vill be done,"
says the German.

The next day the German tells him that they
have to cut his leg off.
Once again the Brit says, "Well, could you
do the same as before?"

The German replies, "Vhy, ya."


The next the German tells him they have to cut his other leg. "Well,"

begins the Brit, "could you just..."

The German snapped
, "No! We think you are trying to escape!"

 

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#sexist

 

what I find stupid about women's day is tjat most offices now have a women's network and the best thing tjey could think to do at my place was to put a vision and a chocolate at every woman's desk.

clearly equality doesn't suit them.

 

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Robinson Crusoe fell desperately ill. Just before dropping into a coma, he called for his man Friday to help him. Friday, not knowing what else to do, went outside of Crusoe's tent and danced around and prayed for the gods to come and help his master.

Shortly afterwards, he went back into Crusoe's tent and found his master awake and staring at a beautiful glowing shape at the foot of his bed.

 

After a shipwreck an Englishman, a Frenchman, and a Russian are stranded
on an island. They survive there for a while, and one fine morning a
bottle is washed up on the shore.
They open it and out comes a genie. So, of course it says: "I've been in
that bottle for a thousand years, and I am infinitely grateful to you for
letting me out. I will grant each of you one wish."
The Englishman says, "I want a million pounds and to go home."
So he disappears.
The Frenchman says, "I want a million women and to go home."
So he disappears.
The Russian grows sad, and says "Why, they were nice. I grew to like them!
I want a million bottles of vodka, and... Both of them back!"

 

3 survivors of the shipwreck...
The three survivors of the shipwreck were being driven mad by hunger.The Irishman, an expert navigator, told the others that if they couldrow the lifeboat for three more days they could make landfall.The Pole, the ship's doctor, said that they could not possibly lastthat long, that there was only one solution to the problem and thatone of them would have to sacrifice themselves for the good of the others.The Englishman, the captain, said that he quite understood and that hewould volunteer as he should have gone down with the ship anyway.After saying an emotional farewell to his crewmen, the captain jumpedoverboard and sank without trace.

 

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A funeral service is held for a woman who just passed away. As the pallbearers carry the casket out, they accidentally bump into a wall. They hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive. She lives for 10 more years and then dies. They have another funeral for her. At the end of the service, the pallbearers carry out the casket. As they are walking, the husband cries out, "Watch out for the wall!"