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Off Topic The offical: Jokes THREAD

Discussion in 'Liverpool' started by Garlic Klopp, Jan 13, 2014.

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  1. Garlic Klopp

    Garlic Klopp Well-Known Member

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    #3681
    Garlic Klopp, May 22, 2019
    Milk not bear jizz, organic red and Superfirmino like this.
  2. Red Hadron Collider

    Red Hadron Collider The Hammerhead

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    FFS <doh> The prehistoric once are the best <laugh>
     
    #3682
    Red Hadron Collider, May 22, 2019
  3. Superfirmino

    Superfirmino Active Member

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    It's official, there is no for Man United fans to buy the new kit. All they need to do is attach an inflatable penis to their heads and the whole world will know who they support.
     
    #3683
    Superfirmino, May 22, 2019
  4. Garlic Klopp

    Garlic Klopp Well-Known Member

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    #3684
    Garlic Klopp, May 22, 2019
  5. Garlic Klopp

    Garlic Klopp Well-Known Member

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    The air Traffic Controller on duty in the air traffic control tower suddenly lost communication with a small twin engine aircraft. A moment later the tower landline rang and was answered by one of the employees.
    The passenger riding with the pilot who lost communications was on a mobile phone.
    He yelled, "Mayday, mayday! The pilot had an instant and fatal heart attack. I grabbed his phone out of his pocket and he had told me before we took off he had the tower on his speed dial memory. I am flying upside down at 18,000 feet and traveling at 180 mph. Mayday, mayday!"
    The employee in the tower immediately put him on speaker phone: "Calm down, we acknowledge you and we'll guide you down after a few questions. The first thing is not to panic. Remain calm!"
    He began his series of questions:
    Tower: "How do you know you are traveling at 18,000 feet?"
    Aircraft: "I can see that it reads 18,000 feet on the altimeter dial in front of me."
    Tower: "Okay, that's good, remain calm. How do you know you're traveling at 180 mph?"
    Aircraft: "I can see that it reads 180 mph on the airspeed dial in front of me."
    Tower: "Okay, this is great so far, but it's heavily overcast. So how you do you know you're flying upside down?"
    Aircraft: "The **** in my pants is running out of my shirt collar.
     
    #3685
    Garlic Klopp, May 22, 2019
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  6. Superfirmino

    Superfirmino Active Member

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    There is a plane flying to America and suddenly the pilot announces that it's going to crash. A woman jumps up and takes off all her clothes and says if I'm going to die, I want to be made feel like a woman. A man jumps up and takes his shirt off and says to the woman, iron this.
     
    #3686
    Superfirmino, May 22, 2019
  7. Zorba

    Zorba Well-Known Member

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    #3687
    Zorba, May 23, 2019
  8. Milk not bear jizz

    Milk not bear jizz Grasser-In-Chief

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    What happens when you put food in a skoda?

    It becomes a lada.
     
    #3688
    Milk not bear jizz, May 23, 2019
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  9. Treble

    Treble Keyser Söze

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    Can we keep this as a Garlic Klopp only, thread please.

    Thanks in advance.
     
    #3689
    Treble, May 23, 2019
    Garlic Klopp likes this.
  10. kiwiqpr

    kiwiqpr Barnsie Mod

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    #3690
    kiwiqpr, May 23, 2019

  11. kiwiqpr

    kiwiqpr Barnsie Mod

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    #3691
    kiwiqpr, May 23, 2019
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  12. kiwiqpr

    kiwiqpr Barnsie Mod

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    #3692
    kiwiqpr, May 23, 2019
  13. kiwiqpr

    kiwiqpr Barnsie Mod

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    My friend said he didn’t understand cloning.
    I said that makes two of us
     
    #3693
    kiwiqpr, May 23, 2019
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  14. kiwiqpr

    kiwiqpr Barnsie Mod

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    Niki Lauder first man ever to be cremated twice.
     
    #3694
    kiwiqpr, May 23, 2019
  15. Treble

    Treble Keyser Söze

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    Tim Vine special <laugh>
     
    #3695
    Treble, May 23, 2019
  16. kiwiqpr

    kiwiqpr Barnsie Mod

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    #3696
    kiwiqpr, May 24, 2019
  17. Superfirmino

    Superfirmino Active Member

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    A man goes to the doctors and says doctor everytime I masturbate I sing 'Glory Glory Man United'. The doctor says that's normal, all ****ers sing that.
     
    #3697
    Superfirmino, May 24, 2019
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  18. Superfirmino

    Superfirmino Active Member

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    Wayne Rooney was asked for his thoughts on Brexit and he said it's the most important meal of the day.
     
    #3698
    Superfirmino, May 24, 2019
    Milk not bear jizz, kiwiqpr and Zanjinho like this.
  19. Garlic Klopp

    Garlic Klopp Well-Known Member

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    #3699
    Garlic Klopp, May 24, 2019
    Milk not bear jizz and kiwiqpr like this.
  20. Garlic Klopp

    Garlic Klopp Well-Known Member

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    #3700
    Garlic Klopp, May 24, 2019
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