Off Topic The offical: Jokes THREAD

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Lawyers should never ask a Texas grandma a question if they aren't prepared for the answer.

In a trial, a Texas small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know me?' She responded, 'Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you'll never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.'

The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?'

She again replied, 'Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a
youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him.'

The defense attorney nearly died.

The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said,

'If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you both to the electric chair.....

 

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JK Rowling talking about the 21st anniversary of Harry Potter. I don't think anyone has milked a small wizard this much since Debbie Magee....

 

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A mortician was working late one night.
He examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, about to be cremated, and made a startling discovery. Schwartz had the largest private part he had ever seen!
'I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz,' the mortician commented, 'I can't allow you to be cremated with such an impressive private part. It must be saved for posterity.'
So, he removed it, stuffed it into his briefcase, and took it home.
'I have to show you something you won't believe,' he said to his wife, opening his briefcase.
'My God!' the wife exclaimed, 'Schwartz is dead?!?!'

 

Jim and Ethel had started their retirement years and decided to raise some extra cash by advertising for a lodger in their two-up two-down terrace house.After a few days an attractive young woman applies for the room. She explains that she is a model working in a nearby studio and needs the room for a few weeks.Ethel shows her the house and they agree to start straight away."There's just one problem," explains the model. "Because of my job I have to have a bath every night, and I notice you don't have a bath.""That's not a problem," replies Ethel, "we have a tin bath out in the yard and we bring it in to the living room, in front of the fire, and fill it with hot water.""What about your husband?" asks the model."Oh, he plays darts most weekdays, so he'll be out in the evenings," replies Ethel."Good," says the model, "that's settled. I'll go to the studio and see you tonight."That evening Jim dutifully goes to his darts match whilst Ethel prepares the bath for the model. After stripping off, the model steps into the bath and Ethel is amazed to see that she has no pubic hair.The model notices Ethel's staring eyes, smiles and explains that it is part of her job to shave herself especially when modeling swim wear or underclothes.Later when Jim returns, Ethel relates this oddity and he does not believe her."It's true, I tell you," says Ethel. "Look, if you don't believe me, tomorrow night I'll leave the curtains slightly open and you can peek in and see for yourself."The next night Jim leaves as usual and Ethel prepares the bath for the model. As the model steps naked into the bath, Ethel, standing behind her, looks towards the curtains, and points towards the model's hairless crotch. Then she lifts up her skirt and wearing no panties, points to her own hairy thatch.Later that evening, Jim returns and they retire to bed. "Well do you believe me now?" she asks Jim. "Yes," he replies. "I've never seen anything like it in my life. But, why did you lift up your skirt and show yours too?"Just to show you the difference," answers Ethel, "but anyway you've seen me with no knickers on thousands of times.""Yes," says Jim, "I have... but the rest of the ****ing darts team haven't!

 

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