Off Topic The offical: Jokes THREAD

please log in to view this image

 

please log in to view this image

 

I was called today by a woman conducting a phone survey.

She said ‘What do you know about dwarves?’

I replied... ‘Very little.’

 

please log in to view this image

 

How do you console an English Teacher?

There, their, they're.

 

Primary School Children Writing About The Sea

1) This is a picture of an octopus. It has eight testicles. (Kelly age 6)
2) Oysters' balls are called pearls. (Jamie age 6)
3) If you are surrounded by sea you are an Island . If you don't have sea all round you, you are incontinent. ( Wayne age 7)
4) Sharks are ugly and mean, and have big teeth, just like Emily Richardson. She's not my friend no more. (Kylie age 6)
5) A dolphin breaths through an arsehole on the top of its head. (Billy age 7)
6) My dad goes out in his boat, and comes back with crabs. (Emily age 5)
7) When ships had sails, they used to use the trade winds to cross the ocean. Sometimes, when the wind didn't blow, the sailors would whistle to make the wind come. My brother said they would be better off eating beans. (William age 7)
8 )I like mermaids. They are beautiful, and I like their shiny tails. How do mermaids get pregnant? (Helen age 6)
9) I'm not going to write about the sea. My baby brother is always screaming and being sick, my Dad keeps shouting at my Mum, and my big sister has just got pregnant, so I can't think what to write. (Amy age 6)
10) Some fish are dangerous. Jellyfish can sting Electric eels can give you a shock. They have to live in caves under the sea where I think they have to plug themselves into chargers. (Christopher age 7)
11) When you go swimming in the sea, it is very cold, and it makes my willy small. (Kevin age 6)
12) Divers have to be safe when they go under the water. Two divers can't go down alone, so they have to go down on each other.(Becky age 8 )
13) On holiday my Mum went water skiing. She fell off when she was going very fast. She says she won't do it again because water shot up her fanny (Julie age 7)

 

Irishman, Englishman and Scotsman were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building.
They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, "Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch I'm going to jump off this building."
The Englishman opened his lunch box and exclaimed, "Ham and English mustard again! If I get ham and mustard one more time I'm going to jump off, too."
The Scotsman opened his lunch and said, "Haggis again. If I get a haggis sandwich one more time I'm jumping too."
Next day The Irishman opens his lunch box, sees corned beef and cabbage and jumps to his death.
The Englishman opens his lunch, sees ham and English mustard and jumps too.
The Scotsman opens his lunch, sees the haggis and jumps to his death also.
At the funeral The Englishman’s wife is weeping. She says, "If I'd known how really tired he was of ham and mustard I never would have given it to him again!
The Scotsman’s wife also weeps and says, "I could have given him cheese! I didn't realise he hated haggis so much."
Everyone turned and stared at The Irishman’s wife. "Hey, don't look at me" she said. "He makes his own lunch"

 

please log in to view this image

 

please log in to view this image

 

please log in to view this image

 

Headline : Singer Marti Pellow diagnosed with arthritis
He told reporters " I feel it in my fingers , I feel it in my toes "

 

Sylvester Stallone, Bruce Willis and Arnold Schwarzenegger were discussing who they were going to play in the new Hollywood Blockbuster: The Great Composers!
"I wanna be Beethoven," said Stallone.
"I gotta be Mozart," replied Willis
"What about you, Arnie?" they asked............"I'll be Bach !"

 

My gay dyslexic mate hasn't come out of the closet yet.

He's in Daniel........

 

please log in to view this image

 

went to fish restaurant recently and ordered the Octopus.
The waiter said: "It takes 4 hours to cook."
I said: "Why?"
He said: "Because it keeps turning the gas off."

 

please log in to view this image

 

please log in to view this image

 

Bad day today, I failed my driving test on the Highway Code.
The Instructor said to me, “If you are going down a country road what signs are you likely to see?"
I said, “Eggs for sale, pick your own strawberries and free manure”.

 

To encourage me to eat when i was young my mother would put food on a spoon and say "here comes the train, here comes the train".

It always worked because she wouldn't untie me from the track until i'd eaten it!

 

What are the Dalek's favourite trees ?

YEW, WILLOW, BAY