Off Topic The offical: Jokes THREAD

please log in to view this image

 

A man calls Pizza hut to order a pizza...
CALLER: Is this Pizza Hut?
GOOGLE: No sir, it's Google Pizza.
CALLER: I must have dialed a wrong number, sorry.
GOOGLE: No sir, Google bought Pizza Hut last month.
CALLER: OK. I would like to order a pizza.
GOOGLE: Do you want your usual, sir?
CALLER: My usual? You know me?
GOOGLE: According to our caller ID data sheet, the last 12 times you called you ordered an extra-large pizza with three cheeses, sausage, pepperoni, mushrooms and meatballs on a thick crust.
CALLER: Super! That’s what I’ll have.
GOOGLE: May I suggest that this time you order a pizza with ricotta, arugula, sun-dried tomatoes and olives on a whole wheat gluten-free thin crust?
CALLER: What? I don’t want a vegetarian pizza!
GOOGLE: Your cholesterol is not good, sir.
CALLER: How the hell do you know that?
GOOGLE: Well, we cross-referenced your home phone number with your medical records. We have the result of your blood tests for the last 7 years.
CALLER: Okay, but I do not want your rotten vegetarian pizza! I already take medication for my cholesterol.
GOOGLE: Excuse me sir, but you have not taken your medication regularly. According to our database, you purchased only a box of 30 cholesterol tablets once at Lloyds Pharmacy, 4 months ago.
CALLER: I bought more from another Pharmacy.
GOOGLE: That doesn’t show on your credit card statement.
CALLER: I paid in cash.
GOOGLE: But you did not withdraw enough cash according to your bank statement.
CALLER: I have other sources of cash.
GOOGLE: That doesn’t show on your latest tax returns unless you bought them using an undeclared income source, which is against the law!
CALLER: WHAT THE HELL!
GOOGLE: I'm sorry sir, we use such information only with the sole intention of helping you.
CALLER: Enough already! I'm sick to death of Google, Facebook, Twitter, WhatsApp and all the others. I'm going to an island without the internet, TV, where there is no phone service and no one to watch me or spy on me.
GOOGLE: I understand sir, but you need to renew your passport first. It expired 6 weeks ago..

 

The way female bankers explain account opening to customers is so sexy. They will be like “I will open it for you for free sir so you can put something inside ok? whether big or small just put something‍♀️

 

please log in to view this image

 

.

 

please log in to view this image

 

please log in to view this image

 

A man and a boy go into a barbershop.
After getting his haircut, the man says, Now cut the boy's hair too. I'll be back soon.
When he's finished cutting the boy's hair, the barber says, When is your father coming back to pay?
The boy says, He's not my father. He met me in the street and asked if I wanted a free haircut.

 

I love groundhogs... He's not exactly stealing, as several shots show the food on the ground placed there for him.

No groundhogs where I am, but the mountains about an hour from here are full of them, I love seeing spots where there are dozens of them all out chilling together.

 

The inexperienced handyman
A businessman went into the office and found an inexperienced handyman painting the walls. The handyman was wearing two heavy parkas on a hot summer day.

Thinking this was a little strange, the businessman asked the handyman why he was wearing the parkas on such a hot day.

The handyman showed him the instructions on the can of paint. They read: “For best results, put on two coats.”

 

please log in to view this image

 

English man, Scottish man and Irish man die and go to heaven on Xmas eve, Gabriel is at the gates and he says :-

“You can’t come in unless you’ve got something that represents Xmas on your person”

English man lights his lighter and says it’s a candle !

Gabriel says in you go

Scottish man rattles his keys and says they are like jingle bells

Gabriel says in you go

Irish man gets a bra and knickers out his pocket !

Gabriel says “what have they got to go with Xmas”

Irish man says

“They carols”

 

They're Carols ffs

 

1) it was copy & paste

2) it's slang

3)

 

4} it didn't make sense .

 

5) apology accepted

 

please log in to view this image