Off Topic The offical: Jokes THREAD

They wouldn't have all drowned, at least one of them was a Schwimmer and the rest could have looked up how, on Bing.

 

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From Afterlife one of the best programmes for many a year

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This woman went on holiday leaving her husband behind. Before she left she told him to take special care of her pet Siamese cat. As soon as she arrived she phoned home to ask about the cat. Her husband said, "The cat just died! "
She burst into tears and started to read the riot act to him, "How can you be so blunt? Why couldn't you have broken the news gradually? Today you could have said that it was playing on the roof. Tomorrow you could have added that it fell off the roof and broke it's leg. Then on the third day you could have said that the poor thing had passed away peacefully in the night. You could have been more sensitive about the whole thing! By the way, how's my mother?

He said, "She's playing on the roof!"

 

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Blokes working on the top floor of a 10 story building site, one takes a s**t out the window.
s**t drops down, hits the foreman walking at the bottom of the building,
He goes running up to the top floor.
Where everybody on that floor denies doing it or see anything.
Foreman looks out of the window, starts shouting, what's that on path 1m out at the bottom of the building, s**t
What's that on the scaffolding pole 500mm out half way down the building, s**t
What's that on the widow sill s**t
So what does that tell me?
One bloke replies, is it the building is out of plumb.

 

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I was in my garden today and the neighbour looked over the fence and said.. “What are you doing?”
“I'm putting all my plants in alphabetical order...”
She replied “Really? I don't know how you find the time..!”
Oh that's easy I said, “Its right next to the sage.”

 

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A man rushes into a bar and orders a double brandy. While the barman is pouring, the man
extends his hand at knee height and asks: “Do penguins grow this big?”
“I should think so,” the barman replies.
The man raises his hand. “How about this big?”
“Well, perhaps a king penguin, but I’m not sure . . .”
The man holds his hand at shoulder level: “This big?”
“Not a cat in hell’s chance.”
The man knocks back his drink in one. “Bollocks. I just ran over a nun.”

 

Just had two police officers come up to me outside Aldi.
They asked me the following questions:
"Are you familiar with the letters HB?"
I said, "no i'm not"
"How about LS?"
"No"
"What about JD?"
I said, "hang on a minute, am I a suspect or something?"
They said, "no, these are just initial enquiries.

 

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The Smiths had no children and decided to use a proxy father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr.Smith kissed his wife and said, "I'm off. The man should be here soon."
Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. "Good morning madam. You don't know me but I've come to...."
"Oh, no need to explain. I've been expecting you," Mrs. Smith cut in.
"Really..?" the photographer asked. "Well, good..! I've made a specialty of babies."
"That's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat. Just where do we start..?" asked Mrs. Smith, blushing.
"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room floor is fun too; you can really spread out."
"Bathtub, living room floor..? No wonder it didn't work for Harry and me."
"Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results."
"I hope we can get this over with quickly," gasped Mrs. Smith.
"Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but you'd be disappointed with that, I'm sure."
"Don't I know!!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed.
The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus in downtown London."
"Oh my God..!!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, tugging at her handkerchief.
"And these twins turned out exceptionally well when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with." The photographer handed Mrs. Smith the picture.
"She was difficult ..?" asked Mrs. Smith.
"Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to Hyde Park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep, pushing to get a good look."
"Four and five deep..?" asked Mrs. Smith, eyes widened in amazement.
"Yes", the photographer said. "And for more than three hours too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling. I could hardly concentrate. Then darkness approached and I began to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just packed it all in."
Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "You mean they actually chewed on your, eh......equipment?"
"That's right. Well madam, if you're ready, I'll set up my tripod so that we can get to work."
"Tripod..??", Mrs. Smith looked extremely worried now.
"Oh Good God Yes..! I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on.
It's much too big for me to hold while I'm getting ready for action.
Madam..? Madam..?..... Good Lord, she's f*cking fainted..!

 

A teacher was teaching her class about the difference between right & wrong.
"Let's take an example. If I were to get into a man's pocket & take his wallet with all his money, what would I be?"
A little boy raises his hand and with a confident smile, says, "You'd be his wife!"

 

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