Off Topic The offical: Jokes THREAD

I was on the last train home last night and the carriage was empty except for me and this sexy brunette sitting opposite.

I'd had a few drinks and was feeling a bit confident so I gave her a wink and a smile. She winked back and gave a little giggle.

Knowing that I was well in, I moved forwards and gently ran my finger up her leg. She gave me a look of shock, but didn't protest.

I caressed her thigh and gave it a gentle squeeze. She furrowed her brow but still no complaint.

With that my desire took over. I dived into the vacant seat next to her and grabbed one of her breasts and pulled it out. She squealed as I licked it all over and gave it a cheeky nibble.

Then I slowly sat back down in my seat and we exchanged stares. After a minute of silence she looked at me, with a little tear in her eye and said,

"You've ruined my KFC"

 

My wife just said to me "Look at this, I've had this since we got married 30 years ago & it still fits me".
I said " it's a ****ing scarf." !!

 

Mr and Mrs Blobby are in bed, Mrs Blobby says "blib blob bobble blub bibbly bob blubbly blib!" Mr Blobby says "for ****s sake just swallow it!"

 

A flat chested young woman goes out looking for a new bra one day.
She tries shop after shop trying to find a size 28A yet she can’t get one anywhere.
Finally, in desperation, she tries her fortunes in a little unmentionables shop run by an woman who’s hard of hearing.
“Have you got anything in size 28A?” asks the young woman.
“What was that, dear?” says the old woman.
The young woman repeats herself again.
Still the old woman can’t hear her, so the young woman lifts up her T-shirt baring her breasts and says, “Have you got anything for these?”
The old woman peers at the womans’s boobs and says, “No, dear. Have you tried Clearasil?”

 

A male whale and a female whale were swimming off the coast of Japan
when they noticed a whaling ship.

The male whale recognised it as the same ship that had harpooned his
father many years earlier.

He said to the female whale, "Lets both swim under the ship and blow
out of our air holes at the same time and it should cause the ship to
turn over and sink."

They tried it and sure enough, the ship turned over and quickly sank.

Soon however, the whales realised the sailors had jumped overboard and
were swimming to the safety of shore.

The male was enraged that they were going to get away and told the
female, "Let's swim after them and gobble them up before they reach
the shore."

At this point, he realised the female was becoming reluctant to follow him.

"Look," she said, "I went along with the blow job, but I absolutely
refuse to swallow the seamen.".

 

Little Johnny catches his parents going at it.

He yells in, "Hey, Pop! What are you doin?"

His father says, "Son, Im filling your mothers tank."

Johnny says, "Oh, yeah? Well, you better get a model that gets better mileage. The postman filled her this morning."

 

A worker who was being paid by the week approached his employer and held up his last paycheck. "This is two hundred dollars less than we agreed on," he said.
"I know," the employer said. "But last week I overpaid you two hundred dollars, and you never complained."
"Well, I don't mind an occasional mistake," the worker answered, "but when it gets to be a habit, I feel I have to call it to your attention."

 

Last nights performance.

 

A man is standing on top of the safety wall at the edge of a New York Skyscraper leaning towards certain death. The doorman of the building bravely goes up to try and talk him down.
"Hey... guy...errm, you believe in God don't you?"
The man leans back away from the edge, "yes, yes I do"
"Well so do I!, let's talk this thing..."
The man takes one mini-step away from the edge
The Doorman asks, "So which religion, which church are you?"
"I'm a Christian", he says, "Baptist",
"That's amazing, so am I!" said the doorman, "Which type of Baptist are you?"
"Northern Baptist", said the man taking a good step back from the roof edge.
"AMAZING!, me too", said the doorman, "So, well, are you with the branch that sided with Pastor Corey?"
"YES! said the man.
"Die Dog!" said the doorman pushing him off the roof.

 

I'm guessing that's an 'in' joke amongst the Baptist posse then mate?

Not a clue.

 

I assumed it was a joke about how Baptists hate everyone who don't agree with their very specific world view and think everyone who doesn't have their identical beliefs is going to hell. Baptists are a very intolerant group.

I've never heard of "Northern" Baptists or Pastor "Corey" I assume they're made up. There is such thing as Southern Baptists but not Northern Baptists as far as I know.

 

Larry, a photographer for a newspaper, was scheduled to meet a plane on the runway to take him on a job.
“Hit it,” said Larry climbing into the first plane he saw on the runway.
The pilot took off, and was soon in the air.
“OK,” said Larry, “fly low over the trees over there, I want to take a few pictures.”
“What do you mean?” asked the pilot.
Larry looked at the pilot and answered a little annoyed, “I need to take some pictures for the paper, so please…..”
There was a long pause, before the pilot asked in a shaky voice, “you mean you’re not my flying instructor?”

 

So in short, it was a **** joke?

 

It's a French thing

 

But not written in French.

 

This ^

 

The mathematics department at a major university had a raffle. The price of the tickets was a bit spendy at $10 a piece but the prize was tantalizing: an infinite amount of money paid to the winner for an infinite amount of time. With such a prize on the line, the tickets sold like hotcakes, and the department soon raised thousands of dollars.

When the winner was announced, he gleefully came down to the department office to claim his prize. He found the department head, presented his winning raffle ticket, and requested his winnings. The department head congratulated the man, and happily pulled $1 from his pocket and handed it to the winner.

"What is this?!", demanded the winner. "You promised an infinite amount of money over an infinite amount of time!"

"Oh, yes. This is just the first installment", replied the mathemetician happily. "Next week you'll get 1/2 dollar, the following week 1/3 dollar, 1/4 dollar the week after that ...."

 

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So you are French then?