Off Topic The offical: Jokes THREAD

It's dribs

 

This is the world I recruit in

Startup Land, the place where I've been living for the past year, is full of ridiculous jargon. I thought I'd start a list to give those of you who have never been to Startup Land or are planning on holidaying there in the future, a brief understanding of the lingo in the hope that you'll be able to communicate with the locals. If you're a current resident of Startup Land, feel free to add your own.

Disruptive
A word that a startup uses to make themselves sound, erm, well...disruptive, despite the fact that every other startup labels themselves as disruptive, leaving the rest of us wondering “is anybody actually disruptive?”

Investable
A term used by a startup for no other reason than it needs money. Preferably now. This minute. Please, our team are starving.

First-mover
A term used by startups after a single Google search reveals no similar businesses on page 1 to 3.

Global
A label given to English startups after they accidentally acquire a customer in Wales.

Elevator Pitch
A jumble of nonsensical jargon practiced repeatedly in case a founder is ever stuck in a lift with Richard Branson. Which they won’t be. Ever. Richard Branson isn't even real; he's a hologram.

Pivot
The point where a startup realises their idea is **** and decide to take the business in a different (and probably ****tier) direction.

Seed Round
The point where a startup acquires initial money from investors into an idea that will pivot so often in the coming months that it will end up looking absolutely nothing like the business the investors invested in in the first place. It probably won’t even have the same name.

Future Rounds (A, B, C etc.)
The point where a startup needs more money because they spent the seed round on beanbags and an office dog.

Prerevenue
The term used by startup founders who are too scared to ask their customers for money. Prerevenue startup founders can often be found scavenging from the ‘nibbles’ table at networking events.

Internship
A position advertised by startups that can’t afford to pay you a salary but need your skills. May offer you equity in the company but, in truth, you'll be lucky if you get a brew.

Projections
A technique similar to one used by Native Americans to predict the weather whereby a founder looks to the sky, puts a finger in the air and predicts their startup's financials for the next 5 years. The only difference is, Native Americans are pretty good at predicting the weather.

Pre-money valuation
A number plucked out of a founder’s arse.

Post-money valuation
A grossly exaggerated number imagined, post investment, by a startup team during a 4-day crack bender.

An Accelerator
A programme where startup teams gather to spend more time talking about being a startup than actually being a startup.

Mentor
A person (generally an old, white man) who saunters around accelerator programmes chucking crappy anecdotes at founders and being about as useful as a paper umbrella.

CTO
A person who’s slightly better at IT than the CEO.

Growth Hacker
A marketer who couldn’t be arsed learning to code but still wants to be known as a hacker because, nowadays, hackers get all the action.

Potential to scale
A term used alongside fudged figures to hide the fact that a startup's recent growth is staler than the breadsticks at the back of your nan’s cupboard.

Award-winning
A startup that sponsored an event and received an award by beating all the other entrants that didn’t sponsor the event who lost out on the award simply because...yep, you guessed it...they didn't sponsor the event.

Pitch Deck
A medley of the above bollocks condensed into a pretty slide show.

 

Now on sale at IKEA - LESBIAN beds, no nuts or screwing involved,
it's all tongue and groove.

 

Two Marines boarded a quick shuttle flight out of London, headed for Glasgow. One sat in the window seat, the other sat in the middle seat. Just before take-off, an Army soldier got on and took the aisle seat next to the two Marines. The Soldier kicked off his shoes, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the Marine in the window seat said, “I think I’ll get up and get a coke.” “No problem,” said the Soldier, “I’ll get it for you.” While he was gone, the Marine picked up the Soldier’s shoe and spit in it. When the Soldier returned with the coke, the Marine in the middle seat said, “That looks good, I think I’ll have one too.” Again, the Soldier obligingly went to fetch it and while he was gone, the Marine picked up the soldier’s other shoe and spit in it. The Soldier returned and they all sat back and enjoyed the rest of the short flight to Houston. As the plane was landing, the Soldier slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened. “How long must this go on?” the Soldier asked. “This fighting between our services? This hatred? This animosity? This spitting in shoes and peeing in cokes?”

 

You won’t hear from me for a while. Being investigated for stealing swimming pool inflatables..
I gotta lilo..

 

As a Dad I'll never forget my son's first words...
"Where the ****ing hell have you been for the last 22 years!

 

Two guys are playing golf. The women in front of them are really taking their time and are slowing the men up.

So one man says to his friend, "I'm gonna go ask those ladies if we can play through."

He starts walking, but about halfway there, he turns around. When he gets back, his friend asks what happened.

He replies, "One of those women is my wife, and the other is my mistress. Why don't you go talk to them?"

So the second man starts to walk over. He gets halfway there and turns around.

When he gets back, his friend asks, "Now what happened?"

To this he replies, "Small world."

 

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When you are finishedBBQing, and the ice has melted, just pull
the handle down & the fire goes out.
Is this a great country, or what?!!

 

A husband and Wife are having a conversation

Wife : Do you drink beer?

Husband : Yes

Wife : How many beers a day?

Husband : Usually about three

Wife : How much do you pay per beer?

Husband : £5.00 which includes a tip

Wife : And how long have you been drinking?

Husband : About 20 years, I suppose

Wife : So a beer costs £5 and you have three beers a day which puts your spending each month at £450. In one year, it would be approximately £5400 – correct?

Husband : Correct

Wife : If in 1 year you spend £5400, not accounting for inflation, the past 20 years puts your spending at £108,000 correct?

Husband : Correct

Wife : Do you know that if you didn’t drink so much beer, that money could have been put in a step-up interest savings account and after accounting for compound interest for the past 20 years, you could have now bought an airplane?

Husband: Do you drink beer?

Wife : No.

Husband : Where is your airplane?

 

At French customs he fumbles for his passport.
"You have been to France before, monsieur?" the customs officer asked sarcastically.
The old gent admitted that he had been to France before.
"Then, you should know enough to have your passport ready for inspection," snapped the irate official.
The Canadian said, "The last time I came to France I did not have to show my passport."
"Impossible old man!" the official replied. "You Canadians always have to show your passports on arrival in France!"
The old Canadian gave the Frenchman a long hard look. Then calmly stated: "I assure you, young man, that when I came ashore on Juno Beach in Normandy on D-Day in 1944, there were no bloody Frenchmen anywhere on that beach."

 

He told the frog twat

 

...of an island and is surrounded by a group of warriors. “I’m done for,” the man cries in despair. “No, you are not,” comes a booming voice from the heavens. “Listen carefully, and do exactly as I say. Grab a spear and push it through the heart of the warrior chief.” The man does what he is told, turns to the heavens, and asks, “Now, what?” The booming voice replies, “Now you are done for.”

 

...and the second man looked back at the first and said "that's what the pig is for."

 

A man is in court. The Judges says,"on the 3rd August you are accused of killing your wife by beating her to death with a hammer, how do you plead?" "Guilty", said the man in the dock. At this point a man at the back of the court stood up and shouted "You dirty rat!" The Judge asked the man to site down and to refrain from making any noise. The Judge continued "..... and that also on the 17th September you are accused of killing your son by beating him to death with a hammer, how do you plead"? "Guilty", said the man in the dock. Again the same man at the back stood up and shouted even louder, "You dirty rotten stinking rat"!! At this point the Judge called the man to the bench and said, "I have already asked you to be quiet, if you continue with these outbursts, I will have to charge you with contempt of court. I can understand your feelings, but what relationship have you to this man?" He replied "He is my next door neighbour". The Judge replied, "I can understand your feelings then, but you must refrain from any comments". The man replied "NO, your Honour, you don't understand. Twice I have asked if I could borrow a hammer, and BOTH TIMES he said he didn't have one"!!!

 

A loan shark asks a lawyers advice: How can I get back my £1,000 from Johnny if I lost my loan receipt? Send a letter where you will write to him to send you the £2,000 he owns you. Ok but I only loaned him £1,000! That’s the idea, we want to get from hem a proof that he owns you £1,000...

 

A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work.

Her 9-year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to watch.

The woman's husband also comes home. She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already.
The little boy says, "Dark in here."

The man says, "Yes, it is."
Boy - "I have a baseball."
Man - "That's nice."
Boy - "Want to buy it?"
Man - "No, thanks."
Boy - "My dad's outside."
Man - "OK, how much?"
Boy - "$150"
Man - "Sold."

In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the closet together.

Boy - "Dark in here."
Man - "Yes, it is."
Boy - "I have a Wilson infielder's glove."
The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy,"How much?"
Boy - "$350"
Man - "Highway robbery. Sold."

A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your gloves, let's go outside and have a game of catch."

The boy says, "I can't, I sold my ball and my glove."
The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"
The boy says, "$500"
The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that... that is way more than those two things cost.
I'm going to take you to church and make you confess your greed."

They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth with the Priest to confess his sins and he closes the door.

The boy says, "Dark in here."
The priest says, "Don't start that crap again, you're in my closet now."

 

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After a couple announced their engagement, the groom-to-be tells his pal he will, obviously, be wearing a kilt to his wedding.