What day of the week is it thread

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An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman applied for a vacancy with The phone company so The foreman said I'll give you all a trial day to see how many telegraph poles you can lay in that time.' At The end of The day The Englishman had done twenty-seven poles and The Scotsman had laid twenty-four.
'How many did you manage?' The foreman asked The Irishman.
'Five,' answered The Irishman.
'Well,' said The foreman, 'your friends managed over fifty between them.'
'Yes,' said The Irishman, 'but look how much they left sticking out of The ground.'

 

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman went into a pub.

The Englishman stood a round.

The Irishman stood a round.

The Scotsman stood around.

 

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Been in the shed, replacing my gripping gadget.

In my defence, it's my only vice.

 

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Whilst teaching RE (Religious Education), I asked my class to write an essay in as few words as possible. Their short story should contain ‘Religion’, ‘Sex’ and ‘Mystery’.
One girl completed her paper within minutes. I gave her A+
It read:
Good God, I’m pregnant! I wonder whose it is?!

 

An auntie of mine sadly died, she had no immediate family so it fell on me to arrange a 'head stone ' ..

We found a note she had left, it said "born a virgin, lived a virgin, died a virgin:" we didn't have a lot of money so we agreed on 'Returned unopened '....

 

I’m just on my way to fix Cat Stevens' caravan.

Awning has broken.......

 

New Home shirt for Newcastle United......

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I told my missus the doctor had given me a prescription for daily sex...
She didn't believe me and insisted I showed it to her.
I duly handed it over and she said "you daft sod, its for your dyslexia!"

 

Two Men were out hunting in the outback and came upon a huge hole in the ground. They approached it and were amazed at its size and depth.
The first said, "Wow, that's some hole. I can't even see the bottom. I wonder how deep it is."
The second said, “There's an old gear box over there. Let’s throw it in and see how long it takes to hit bottom.”
Despite it being very heavy, they picked up the gear box, carried it over to the hole, counted one-two-three, and heaved it in.
As they were standing there looking over the edge of the hole, a goat come crashing through the bushes, ran up to the hole and without hesitation, jumped in head first...
They were so mystified by this that they stood staring at each other in amazement and peered into the hole, trying to figure out what that was all about...
Just then an old farmer appeared. "Say, you fellers didn't happen to see my goat?"
The first hunter said, "Funny you should ask. We were just standing here a minute ago, and a goat came running out of the bushes doing about a hundred miles an hour and jumped head first into this here hole!"
The old farmer said, "Naw, that's impossible! I had him chained to an old gear box."

 

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An engineer dies and goes to Hell. He's hot and miserable, so he decides to take action. The A/C has been busted for a long time, so he fixes it. Things cool down quickly. The moving walkway motor is jammed, so he unjams it. People can get from place to place more easily. The TV was grainy and unclear, so he fixes the connection to the satellite dish, and now they get hundreds of high def channels.
One day, God decides to look down on Hell to see how his grand design is working out and notices that everyone is happy and enjoying umbrella drinks. He asks the Devil what's up? The Devil says, "Things are great down here since you sent us an engineer." "What?" says God. "An engineer? I didn't send you one of those. That must have been a mistake. Send him upstairs immediately." The Devil responds, "No way. We want to keep our engineer. We like him." God demands, "If you don't send him to me immediately, I'll sue!" The Devil laughs. "Where are you going to get a lawyer?"