What day of the week is it thread

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Man suffered a serious heart attack while shopping in a store.
The clerks called 9 1 1 when they saw him collapse to the floor.
The paramedics rushed the man to the nearest hospital where
he had emergency open heart bypass surgery.
He awakened from the surgery to find himself in the care of nuns
at the Catholic Hospital he was taken to.
A nun was seated next to his bed holding a clip board loaded
with several forms and a pen. She asked him how he was going
to pay for his treatment.
"Do you have health insurance?" she asked.
He replied in a raspy voice, "No health insurance."
The nun asked, "Do you have money in the bank?"
He replied, "No money in the bank."
"Do you have a relative who could help you with the payments,
asked the irritated nun?
He said, "I only have a spinster sister and she is a nun."
The nun became agitated and announced loudly,
"Nuns are not spinsters! Nuns are married to God."
The patient replied, "Perfect."
"Send the bill to my brother-in-law!!..

 

A few days before his proctological exam, a one eyed man accidentally swallowed his glass eye. He was worried for a while, but there were no ill effects, so he forgot about it.
Once he was in the doctor's office, the man followed instructions, undressed, and bent over. The first thing the proctologist saw when he looked up the man's bum was that eye staring right back at him.

"You know, " said the doctor, "you really have to learn to trust me".

 

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It really annoys me when people have to tell us on Facebook what they had for breakfast...

It's enough to put me off my grapefruit juice, coco pops, sausage, fried egg, bacon, mushrooms, hash brown, beans, black pud followed by tea with toast and jam!

 

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A blind man stood by the station every day selling matches for 20p from a tray. A man used to come out of the station each morning and put 20p on the tray but never used to take the matches. One morning he drops 20p on the tray as usual, and as he walks away the blind man shouted: "Excuse me! But are you the man that always puts 20p on my tray but doesn't take any matches" The man said, "Yes, that's me".
The blind man said, "I think you should know that they went up to 30p last week".

 

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A young man with his pants hanging half off his arse, two gold front teeth, and a half inch thick gold chain around his neck; walked into the jobcentre
to sign some paperwork.
He marched up to the counter and said,
"Hi. You know, I just H A T E signing on I'd really rather have a job.. I don't like taking advantage
of the system, getting something for nothing and all that."
The dwp officer behind the counter said,
"Your timing is excellent. We Just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter. You'll have to drive around in his 2015 Mercedes-Benz CL, and he will supply all of your clothes."
"Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll also be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips. This is rather awkward to say
but you will also have to, as part of your job, satisfy her sexual urges as the daughter is in her mid-20's and has a rather strong sex drive."
The guy, just plain wide-eyed, said,
"You're bullshittin' me!"
The DWP worker said,
"Yeah, well...
You started it." .....