What day of the week is it thread

A old man walks into a McDonalds
He is bent over and shuffling slowly....
He approaches the counter with great difficulty and orders an ice cream sundae.....
The cashier asks, "Crushed nuts".....?
The old man replies, "No arthritis"....!!!

 

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Erik ten Hag walks into a bank to cash a cheque. As he approaches the cashier he says, "Good morning, Ms, could you please cash this cheque for me?"
Cashier: "It would be my pleasure. Could you please show me your ID?"
Ten Hag: "Truthfully, I did not bring my ID with me as I didn't think there was any need to. I am Erik ten Hag, Manager of Manchester United”.
Cashier: "Yes, I know who you are, but with all the regulations and monitoring of the banks because of impostors and forgers and requirements of the legislation, etc., I must insist on seeing ID."
Ten Hag: Just ask anyone here at the bank who I am and they will tell you. Everybody knows who I am."
Cashier: "I am sorry, Mr Hag but these are the bank rules and I must follow them."
Ten Hag: "Come on please, I am urging you, please cash this cheque."
Cashier: "Look sir, here is an example of what we can do. One day, Tiger Woods came into the bank without ID. To prove he was Tiger Woods he pulled out his putter and made a beautiful shot across the bank into a cup. With that shot we knew him to be Tiger Woods and cashed his cheque."
"Another time, Andre Agassi came in without ID. He pulled out his tennis racket and made a fabulous shot where the tennis ball landed in my cup. With that shot we cashed his cheque. So, sir, what can you do to prove that it is you and only you?"
Erik stands there thinking and thinking and finally says, "Honestly, my mind is a total blank...there is nothing that comes to my mind. I can't think of a single thing. I have absolutely no idea what to do. I don't have a clue."
Cashier: "Will that be large or small notes , Mr Ten Hag?”

 

I’m passionate about preserving endangered animals

You should taste my panda jam.......

 

"A truck loaded with thousands of copies of Roget's Thesaurus crashed yesterday losing its entire load. Witnesses were stunned, startled, aghast, taken aback, stupefied, confused, shocked, rattled, paralysed, dazed, bewildered, mixed up, surprised, awed, dumbfounded, nonplussed, flabbergasted, astounded, amazed, confounded, astonished, overwhelmed, horrified, numbed, speechless, and perplexed."

 

A man got on the bus with both of his front trouser pockets full of golf balls and sat down next to a beautiful (you guessed it) blonde.
The puzzled blonde kept looking at him and his bulging pockets.
Finally, after many glances from her, he said, "It's golf balls."
The blonde continued to look at him for a very long time, thinking deeply about what he had said.
After several minutes, not being able to contain her curiosity any longer,
She asked,
“Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?”

 

Ethel was a bit of a demon in her wheelchair and loved to charge around the nursing home, taking corners on one wheel and getting up to maximum speed on the long corridors. Because the poor dear was several sandwiches short of a picnic, the other residents tolerated her eccentric behavior, and some of them even joined in the fun.
One day Ethel was speeding along one of the corridors when a man stepped out of one of the doorways with his arm outstretched:
“Stop!” he said firmly. “Have you got a license for that thing?” Ethel fished around in her handbag and pulled out a Kit-Kat wrapper, which she handed to him with a big smile. “OK,” he said, and off she went again.
Taking the corner by the TV lounge on one wheel as usual, she found another man standing in the corridor in front of her. “Stop!” he said firmly, “Have you got a valid registration for that vehicle, madam?” Ethel dug into her handbag again and came up with a well-used beermat, which she presented for inspection.
Whereupon she was sent on her way once more.
Heading down the last corridor before the front door, a third man stepped out in front of her. He was stark naked, and holding a sizable erection in one hand.
“Oh, no,” cried Ethel,
“Not the breathalyzer again!”

 

I went to Clarence house early today to give King Charles a haircut cut ahead of his official engagements.

I said to the guard, "Can you let me in, I'm here to cut the Kings Hair".

The guard said ," Have you got a Permit?".

No, I said, just a bit off the back"

 

I sat next to a very obese monk on the bus. We got chatting and all he talked about was philosophy and theology.

He was a deep fat friar.

 

HELP NEEDED URGENTLY !! Does anyone know how to cancel a bid on EBay?

Yesterday I put in a bid for a cowboy outfit.

And now I'm apparently 5 mins away from owning Man Utd..

 

The wife checked her husband’s phone and found these names:
‘The tender one’
‘The amazing one’
‘Lady of my dreams’
She got angry and called the first number to find out that was his mother.
Then she called the second number to which his sister replied.
When she dialled the third number her own phone rang.
She cried until her eyes got swollen because she had doubted her innocent husband,
so, she gave him her whole month’s salary to make up for it.
Husband took the money and bought a gift for his girlfriend, whose name was saved as:
‘Uncle Mick the mechanic’

 

What does a Korean need when taking his dog out?

Oven gloves.

 

After another row between us, my partner broke the silence by saying, "This isn't working, is it?"
It was like a huge weight had been lifted of me and I turned to her and said, "Thank God you feel the same way! The thought of living in a loveless relationship for years to come was overwhelming me. I'll start looking for somewhere to live first thing in the morning."
As tears welled up in her eyes, she replied, "I was talking about the microwave..."

 

An Arizona Highway Patrol officer stops a Harley rider for traveling faster than the posted speed limit:
He asks the old biker his name.
“Fred.” He replies.
“Fred what?” The officer asks.
“Just Fred.” The old man responds.
The officer is in a good mood, thinks he might just give the old biker a break and write him out a warning instead of a ticket.
The officer then presses him for the last name.
The old man tells him that he used to have a last name, but lost it.
The officer thinks that he has a nut case on his hands but plays along with it.
“Tell me, Fred, how did you lose your last name?’
The old biker replies.
“It’s a long story, so stay with me. I was born Fred Johnson. I studied hard and got good grades. When I got older, I realized that I wanted to be a doctor. I went through college, medical school, internship, and residency, and finally got my degree, so I was Fred Johnson, MD.
After a while, I got bored being a doctor, so I decided to go back to school. Dentistry was my dream! I got all the way through school, got my degree, so then I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS. I got bored doing dentistry, so I started fooling around with my assistant and she gave me VD, so now I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS, with VD.
Well, the ADA found out about the VD, so they took away my DDS. Then I was Fred Johnson, MD, with VD. Then the AMA found out about the ADA taking away my DDS because of the VD, so they took away my MD leaving me as Fred Johnson with VD.
Then the VD took away my Johnson, so now I am Just Fred.”
The officer walked away in tears, laughing.

 

I parked the car in Tesco car park! I left the window open slightly so my dog had fresh air, she looked comfy stretched out on the back seat I walked away from the car backwards, saying with my finger pointing “Stay do you hear me, Stay!

Then I heard the driver of a nearby car say why the f-ck don’t you just put the handbrake on !

 

I hate it when my finger pokes through the toilet paper.

Other than that, I'm enjoying my new job at the old people’s home.

 

Builders found a body hidden up a chimney breast.

Had a medal round its neck saying 'Irish Hide and Seek Champion, 1934'

 

Centre Parcs resort chain, UK, is up for sale for £25 million.

Or £73 Million if bought during the school holidays....