What day of the week is it thread

How do you get a fat lass into bed.
.
.
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Piece of cake

 

A man and a woman who had never met before found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a Trans-continental train. Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly.....He in the upper bunk and she in the lower. At 1:00 AM, the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying, "Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold."
"I have a better idea," she replied. "Just for tonight, let's pretend we're married."
"Wow! That's a great idea!" he exclaimed.
"Good," she replied. "Get your own friggin blanket."
After a moment of silence, he farted.

 

My dad always said "When one door closes, another one opens"

Lovely man, terrible cabinet maker

 

I was taking a **** in the train toilet this morning . When some guy knocked on the door
He said, “can I see your ticket please?”
“Not right now” I shouted, “I’m taking a ****”
He said, I don’t believe you, can you pass it under the door?
“No problem” I said, sliding it under, “The yellow bits are Sweetcorn.”

 

A bus full of blind people went on a day trip to Skegness. Halfway there the driver pulls up at a pub for a piss and a quick drink. To keep the blind people occupied he puts a bell in a football and leaves them outside to have a kick about. Just as he's settling down to drink his pint of coke a fella comes running in and says " Who's looking after that blind group outside "?
The drivers says he is and what seems to be the problem. The bloke replies, " You best come outside now, they're kicking the fu*k out of the Morris dancers "

 

I’ve just fallen over on the pavement.

I’ve left a review on Trip Advisor.........

 

I wrote a book on how not to fall down the stairs.

It's a step by step guide....

 

A blonde walks into the library. She walks up to the counter, SLAMS a book down and screams at the librarian, - "This is the WORST book I've ever read!" "It has NO plot and far too many characters!
The librarian looks up and calmly remarks - "So, you're the one who took our phone book..."

 

Teacher: "Johnny, can you use the word “gruesome” in a sentence?"

Johnny: "Yes ma’am, I used to be shorter, then I gruesome."

 

I walked out of my job at the helium balloon factory

I won't be spoken to in that tone of voice

 

My local Cabbie in London is known as Robin Hood.

He only drives between Bow and Harrow.....

 

A teacher asked the class,
"What's the name of Robin Hood's girlfriend ?"
Little Paddy says, "Trudy Glen.'
"No", said the teacher, "It's Maid Marion."
Paddy says, "Then why do they sing,
Robin Hood, Robin Hood, Riding Trudy Glen".

 

I went to see my doctor this morning.
"How can I help you?" she asked.
"I found a lump while I was in the bath," I replied, pointing downwards.
"Oh right," she said, "Take your trousers down for me."
After having a good old feel of my bollocks for a few minutes, she said, "I can't feel a lump."
I said, "It's on my toe."

 

The keynote speaker was in such a hurry to get to the venue that when he arrived and sat down at the head table, he suddenly realized that had forgotten his dentures.
Turning to the man next to him, he whispered, “I forgot my teeth!”
The man said, “No problem.” With that he reached into his briefcase and pulled out a pair of dentures. “Try these,” he said. The speaker tried them.
“Too loose,” he said.
The man dug around in his briefcase again. “Here, try these.”
The speaker tried them and responded. “Too tight.”
The man didn’t seem taken aback at all. He dug around in his briefcase again. “Here, I have this pair. Give them a try.”
The speaker smiled. “They fit perfectly.” He ate his meal and gave his speech without any further troubles.
After the event concluded, the speaker went over to thank his benefactor and return the spare dentures.
“I want to thank you for coming to my rescue. Where is your office? I’ve been looking for a good dentist.”
“Oh, I’m not a dentist,” the man replied:

“I’m the funeral director.”

 

Just applied for a job in Seoul.

Looks like a good Korea move!

 

The news of a possible take-over of Royal Mail puts a whole new take on, "Putting a Czech in the Post".

 

A cement mixer collided with a prison van.

Motorists are asked to be on the lookout for 16 hardened criminals.

 

A woman on a bus asked me ' do you have any pets ? ..I said yes a goldfish.

She said any hobbies? I said he likes swimming!

 

The weather was brilliant yesterday, so l got out my 7 piece patio set.


1 chair & 6 cans of lager.....